Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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