Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Mom said you looked used
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
