Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
