I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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