i jhust puked up my retainher.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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