so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
