I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My boob is missing a layer of skin
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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