I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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