I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I came so hard my ears popped.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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