I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
