my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
