I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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