I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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