Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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