i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She tied me up with her honor cords...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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