Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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