I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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