my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
