I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize