Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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