I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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