Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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