Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
