I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
