Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
