Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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