can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
