I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
