New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize