"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
