i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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