I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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