Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
