Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My vagina is officially offended.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
