That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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