I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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