i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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