I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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