worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
