After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Randomize
