I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
