I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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