We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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