I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
