Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
