I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
