are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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