I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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