In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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