What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
