My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
