You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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