goodnight i made you a song goodbye
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
