I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
