I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize