i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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