do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
