i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
