and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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