Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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