why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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