I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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